JOE CAN'T WAIT

And the winners are:
Joe Pendleton - Tie between Warren Beatty (37%) & Jude Law (37%)
Mr. Jordan - Jack Nicholson (50%)
Cheerleader - Tie between Reese Witherspoon (37%) & Cameron Diaz (37%)
Thank you for voting!

BACKSTORY

Quarterback, JOE PENDLETON, is looking forward to leading his team to the Super Bowl when he is involved in a terrible collision with a truck. An over-anxious guardian angel on his first assignment plucks Joe out of his body early, believing his death is imminent. Joe arrives in the afterlife.

He refuses to believe that his time is up. Upon investigation, the mysterious MR. JORDAN discovers that Joe's not destined to die until much later. Unfortunately, Joe's body has already been cremated so a new body must be found.

FADE IN:

INT. RAYMOND JAMES STADIUM. TAMPA, FLORIDA - DAY

JOE PENDLETON and MR. JORDAN stand on the sidelines of Super Bowl XLIII; Joe WHISTLING exhuberantly.

JOE
Ever since I can remember, all I've ever
wanted was to be a quarterback.

MR. JORDAN
You may get lucky, but I wouldn't count on
it, Joe.

Early in the game, a quarterback is tackled.

JOE
This is it!

As Joe runs to the downed quarterback, he rises and joins his teammates. Joe GRUMBLES, watching the teams go head to head. Soon the opposing team's quarterback goes down.

JOE
This is it!

However, the quarterback collects himself and dashes towards his team; Joe left stunned and in a state of exasperation.

This dance of quarterbacks falling and Joe's attempts to enter their bodies repeats for hours. Aching and exhausted, he hobbles to Mr. Jordan, then collapses.

JOE
Take me, God. I'm ready.

MR. JORDAN
Don't worry, Joe. The next will be yours.

JOE
(whispers)
I can't wait.

When the game ends, THOUSANDS rise and CHEER in exaltation; except one. A CHEERLEADER faints.

MR. JORDAN
There.

Painfully following Mr. Jordan's glance at the cheerleaders,

JOE
Beautiful. But I can't move let alone
make a pass.

MR. JORDAN
The stretcher is nearing. Now, Joe. From
here on, you won't remember anything
that's happened.

As he slowly rises, he nods.

JOE
Where is it?

MR. JORDAN
Behind you. Good bye, Joe.

As he collapses onto the stretcher,

JOE
So long, and thanks.

As Joe disappears, a sprightly CHEERLEADER sits up. Examining her surroundings,

CHEERLEADER
Where am I?

She climbs off and bumps into Mr. Jordan.

CHEERLEADER
Pardon me.

Mr. Jordan stares at her.

CHEERLEADER
Wasn't it the most exciting game ever?
I thought I fainted, but, here I am!

MR. JORDAN
Joe?

She looks around quizzically. Clutching his arm,

CHEERLEADER
C'mon, cupcake. Let's celebrate.

MR. JORDAN
But, I'm a man!

CHEERLEADER
I'll say!

As he breaks free and steps back,

MR. JORDAN
Joe, I've got to leave.

As he steps up his pace,

CHEERLEADER
Where are you going?

Mr. Jordan runs for the hills,

CHEERLEADER
The night's young!

Joe, er, the cheerleader on his heels.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Do You Believe Fortune Cookies?

And the winners are:
John Cusack (50%) as Josh
Debra Messing (60%) as Elaine
Luke Wilson (40%) as Paul
Helen Hunt (40%) as Susan
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT./INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT. CHINATOWN - NIGHT

Reveling, four FRIENDS enter a Chinese restaurant after watching the Chinese New Year Parade. As they're escorted to their table by the MAITRE D',

PAUL
How long have we kept up this tradition?

SUSAN
Since law school.

JOSH
I have to come clean. My favorite part of
a Chinese dinner are the fortune cookies.

ELAINE
(smiling)
Mine too, Josh. They're fun.

PAUL
I had a few that were pretty right on.

SUSAN
C'mon, Paul. Who takes them seriously?
They're purely entertaining.

ELAINE
Once I had one that said a woman who
seeks to be equal to men lack ambition.

PAUL
Ouch!

JOSH
How true is this? The greatest danger
could be your own stupidity.

SUSAN
(laughing)
Or he who laughs last is laughing at you.

JOSH
(smiling)
How about a closed mouth gathers no feet.

PAUL
Whoever thinks up these sayings should
get some kind of literary award.

ELAINE
I've got an idea. Since it's Josh's birthday,
why don't we give him our fortune cookies.

JOSH
Thanks, Elaine.

Josh and Elaine exchange loving glances. When the cookies arrive,

SUSAN
Hurry, Josh. What do they say?

He carefully pulls out each fortune and reads them aloud.

JOSH
A secret admirer will soon send
you a sign of affection.

Elaine smiles. Reading the next,

JOSH
The one you love is closer than you think.

Paul and Susan glance at Josh and Elaine, grinning.

PAUL
Is the universe trying to say something?

ELAINE
And the last one?

JOSH
One who admires you greatly is hidden
before your eyes.

ALL
Oooooh.

Josh rises, kneels and holds Elaine's hand.

JOSH
In front of our dear friends, will you
marry me, Elaine?

As she bows her head, she notices her fortune cookie.

ELAINE
Oh, I forgot to give you mine.

He quickly pulls the fortune and reads,

JOSH
Do not marry the man holding your fortune.

ELAINE
(whimpers)
Why not?

SUSAN
For that, you'll need a crystal ball.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

The Hunchback of Hollywood

And the winners are:
Quasimodo (Before) - Tie between Marty Feldman (27%) & Anthony Hopkins (27%)
Qusdimodo (After) - George Clooney (58%)
Esmeralda - Kate Winslet (36%)
Phoebus - Hugh Laurie (33%)
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. SQUARE OUTSIDE NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL. MEDIEVAL PARIS - DAY

QUASIMODO, Notre Dame's disfigured bell ringer, is sentenced for disturbing the peace and abducting, ESMERALDA, the gypsy. He is shackled to the pillory where he is flogged and exposed for an hour to public disgrace.

Despite the stifling heat, throngs gather to gawk at the Hunchback's demise. His head bowed, Esmeralda looks on, pitying him. Quasimodo slowly raises his head and peers into the crowd.

QUASIMODO
(cries out)
Water.

CROWD
(mimics)
Water.

QUASIMODO
(emphatically)
Water!

CROWD
(laughs)
Water!

All are silenced as Esmeralda walks up the stairs to the pillory and offers the Hunchback water from her pouch. Embarrassed, he turns away in the light of her beauty.

She gently allows water to moisten his parched lips. Remembering his thirst, he bends back, mouth opened, and guzzles the remaining water, then collapses.

PHOEBUS, Captain of the King's Archery, rides through the crowd and up to the pillory. He dismounts, joins Esmeralda, then turns to face the people.

PHOEBUS
Have your last stare at this poor creature for he will no
longer be deformed. I, Phoebus de Chateaupers, will perform
a miracle.

When Quasimodo is released, Phoebus escorts him into the cathedral; the crowd on their heels.

INT. NOTRE DAME - DAY

PHOEBUS
(swaggering)
I've been hired, my dear disfigured friend, by Nip/Tuck.
It seems they believe I can perform wonders with my dagger
and sword. Let's prove them right, shall we?

Quasimodo blinks at him, perplexed. After hours of grueling nipping and tucking, Phoebus steps back to admire his accomplishment.

PHOEBUS
Voila! Magnifique! You shall no longer suffer such humiliation!

EXT. NOTRE DAME - DAY

As they walk down the cathedral's steps, the crowd rushes towards them and GASPS.

PHOEBUS
My friends, I give you the new and improved Quasimodo!

Slender, handsome, and erect, Quasimodo steps forward. Esmeralda joins him at his side as the people gape.

QUASIMODO
How can I ever repay you, Phoebus, and Nip/Tuck.
And thank you, to my beautiful bride-to-be, Esmeralda.

Turning to her,

PHOEBUS
Marrying Quasimodo?

ESMERALDA
After the prenup of course.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

A Rerun of GODIVAS (My apologies-playing catch-up!) Enjoy the show!

And the winners are:
A tie between Helen Mirren (28%) and Gwyneth Paltrow (28%) as Lady Godiva
A tie between Leslie Caron ( 40%) and Julie Christie (40%) as Cocoa Chanel
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

INT. MILLINERY SHOP. EARLY 1900's PARIS - DAY

In the workroom of her shop, COCOA CHANEL painstakingly creates an evening gown by hand; each stitch a labor of love. Her ASSISTANT appears.

ASSISTANT
A very important patron is here to see you.

Cocoa abandons the gown to tend to the mysterious patron. As she approaches a lovely NOBLEWOMAN,

COCOA
Madam Godiva. Bonjour. How may I assist you?

LADY GODIVA
(fully clothed)
Bonjour Cocoa. I need something very different for a special occasion.

COCOA
Of course. What is the occasion. A ball, the theatre...

LADY GODIVA
I'm to ride on a horse naked through the marketplace of my realm...
for a worthy cause, of course.

COCOA
(taken aback)
To be naked, it must be.

LADY GODIVA
Isn't it wicked?

COCOA
(shakes her head)
But Madam, I clothe, not unclothe.

LADY GODIVA
There must be something you can do.

Cocoa ponders her dilemma earnestly and sincerely. Her glance falls upon a stack of pretty boxes. She rushes to the stack, scoops up a box, then returns.

COCOA
May I make a suggestion?

LADY GODIVA
Yes, of course.

COCOA
Give these to the people as you ride passed.
You will have pleased those you shock.

LADY GODIVA
(perplexed)
With chocolates?

COCOA
Godivas, Madam. You will be the crown jewel.

LADY GODIVA
Yes, I see. I shall be as tempting as chocolates.

COCOA
Champagne to celebrate?

LADY GODIVA
Thank you.

As they sip champagne and share another box of Godivas,

COCOA
Madam, may I ask? What is this cause?

LADY GODIVA
To lower my people's taxes.

COCOA
(nods)
A very noble cause. But why naked?

LADY GODIVA
It was my husband's idea. He said he would lower them if I rode...

COCOA
Your husband.
(reaches behind her)
Here's another box, just for him.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Running on Resolutions

And the winners are:
Jack Lemmon (30%) as Nick
Jack Black (30%) as Al
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. RUNNERS PATH. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

In Central Park, two middle-aged MEN are jogging together on a freezing January morning.

AL
I should have my head examined for letting
you talk me into running this morning.

NICK
And break last year's resolution! You lost
how many pounds? Five? I lost at least
ten.

And since I stopped smoking the year before,
my doctor says my lungs are clean as a
whistle.

And when I started eating a low-fat diet
the year before that, my cholesterol is
as low as my low-rise underwear.

And my wife is one happy camper since I
promised to help around the house, not
to mention in the bedroom.

Al rolls his eyes.

NICK
And how about the year we started our
business. I vowed I'd stop complaining
about your three-hour lunches, your
endless long-distance calls, your so-
called business write-offs. More like
expensive gifts to Liz, Sandra, Connie,
and God only knows who else.

AL
Have you decided on this year's resolution,
yet?

NICK
You know me. If I can't keep it, I won't
make it. Why? You have any ideas?

AL
Yeah. A vow of silence.

Their VOICES fade out...

NICK
You know I can't do that. How else can I share what's on
my mind.

AL
What's left of it.

...as they disappear out of view.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/