GRAB SOME POPCORN, RELAX, AND ENJOY THE SHOW!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Hunchback of Hollywood

And the winners are:
Quasimodo (Before) - Tie between Marty Feldman (27%) & Anthony Hopkins (27%)
Qusdimodo (After) - George Clooney (58%)
Esmeralda - Kate Winslet (36%)
Phoebus - Hugh Laurie (33%)
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. SQUARE OUTSIDE NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL. MEDIEVAL PARIS - DAY

QUASIMODO, Notre Dame's disfigured bell ringer, is sentenced for disturbing the peace and abducting, ESMERALDA, the gypsy. He is shackled to the pillory where he is flogged and exposed for an hour to public disgrace.

Despite the stifling heat, throngs gather to gawk at the Hunchback's demise. His head bowed, Esmeralda looks on, pitying him. Quasimodo slowly raises his head and peers into the crowd.

QUASIMODO
(cries out)
Water.

CROWD
(mimics)
Water.

QUASIMODO
(emphatically)
Water!

CROWD
(laughs)
Water!

All are silenced as Esmeralda walks up the stairs to the pillory and offers the Hunchback water from her pouch. Embarrassed, he turns away in the light of her beauty.

She gently allows water to moisten his parched lips. Remembering his thirst, he bends back, mouth opened, and guzzles the remaining water, then collapses.

PHOEBUS, Captain of the King's Archery, rides through the crowd and up to the pillory. He dismounts, joins Esmeralda, then turns to face the people.

PHOEBUS
Have your last stare at this poor creature for he will no
longer be deformed. I, Phoebus de Chateaupers, will perform
a miracle.

When Quasimodo is released, Phoebus escorts him into the cathedral; the crowd on their heels.

INT. NOTRE DAME - DAY

PHOEBUS
(swaggering)
I've been hired, my dear disfigured friend, by Nip/Tuck.
It seems they believe I can perform wonders with my dagger
and sword. Let's prove them right, shall we?

Quasimodo blinks at him, perplexed. After hours of grueling nipping and tucking, Phoebus steps back to admire his accomplishment.

PHOEBUS
Voila! Magnifique! You shall no longer suffer such humiliation!

EXT. NOTRE DAME - DAY

As they walk down the cathedral's steps, the crowd rushes towards them and GASPS.

PHOEBUS
My friends, I give you the new and improved Quasimodo!

Slender, handsome, and erect, Quasimodo steps forward. Esmeralda joins him at his side as the people gape.

QUASIMODO
How can I ever repay you, Phoebus, and Nip/Tuck.
And thank you, to my beautiful bride-to-be, Esmeralda.

Turning to her,

PHOEBUS
Marrying Quasimodo?

ESMERALDA
After the prenup of course.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

14 comments:

Hello Mary Lou said...

That was unexpected. Very entertaining!

Poetikat said...

Clever. Nice comical twist at the end. I'm not sure who I envisage - I think Esmeralda should be very young - Rachel Bilson, perhaps? Phoebus strikes me as fair-haired for some reason - Doogie Howser (what's his name?) Quasi after - hmmm...Jake Gyllenhall?

Kat

Anonymous said...

Could you send Phoebus my way?!
Very entertaining twist.

Mama Zen said...

I agree that it was unexpected. I had no idea where that was going!

Peter Rozovsky said...

Now, be honest: Did you put Kate Winslet on the ballot for my benefit? And I agree with a previous comment: Nice comic twist.
==============
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
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Rowena said...

Muahahahahaha!

Rowena said...

I forgot to add...
Julia Roberts as Esmeralda! :-)

Borut said...

Them prenup preen-up miracles!:)

Tammy said...

OMG I loved it!!! That was hilarious and so unexpected ending!

LarryG said...

well done, entertaining and a great surprise!

i beati said...

prenup rolling --funny nip -tuck you are a scream..sk

PV said...

after the prenup. LOL You could rewrite all the fairy tales.

And they lived happily for a while thereafter, then split up.

Tipper said...

A perfect portrayal of today's "beauty matters most" society!

archiearchive said...

Oh, definitely Billy Crystal as Quasimodo, Marilyn Monroe as Esmeralda and Dr Phil as Phoebus - - -