The Perfect Kiss

And the winners are:
Owen Wilson (37%) as Mike
Luke Wilson (37%) as Harry
Woody Allen (87%) as the Director
Heather Locklear (37%) as Gail
Marisa Tomei (42%) as Christine
Cherize Therone (37%) as Kelly
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. TIMES SQUARE. MANHATTAN - WEEKEND BEFORE NEW YEAR'S EVE

Two male FRIENDS are passing and intrigued by a CROWD consisting of a CAMERA CREW and LIP-LOCKED COUPLES gathered at Times Square.

HARRY and MIKE approach a couple CONVERSING.

HARRY
What's going on?

COUPLE
We're rehearsing our kiss for New Year's Eve.

MIKE
You're what?

COUPLE
For television. We're all participating in the group kiss for New Year's.

MIKE
You rehearse your kiss?

DIRECTOR
Okay, listen up people. Gail, our kissing expert, is
going to give you some tips for that perfect kiss.

Mike and Harry exchange amused glances.

GAIL
Here's a few tips to keep in mind. First, abstain
from kissing until midnight just to make it extra
sweet. Second, keep your lips moist and make
sure you have lots of breath mints on hand.

Mike bursts into LAUGHTER. He abruptly stops when the crowd glares at him.

GAIL
Now this is for the guys. Women enjoy a kiss to
build slowly...to a crescendo if you will. It makes
it much more juicy, fun, and pleasurable.

MIKE
(chuckling)
Remember that, Harry.

Two attractive WOMEN approach them. To Harry,

Christine
Hi. We noticed you were alone and wondered if
you'd be our kissing partners of convenience?

Harry barely gets a word in as Christine smooches him. Dumbfounded, Harry can only stare at her.

MIKE
(laughing)
That was convenient.

Christine's friend, KELLY, grabs Mike's face and kisses him firmly. When she stops, Mike smacks his lips.

MIKE
Would you mind trying that again? For crescendo's
sake.

Stroking his face, Kelly sensually kisses him.

DIRECTOR
Okay. On the count of five people.

COUPLES
Five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year!

On cue, each kisses his or her partner. Mike and Kelly haven't stopped kissing. When they finally come up for air,

MIKE
(dazzled)
How convenient is 2009?

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Santa In Training

And the winners are:
Tie between Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet
(28%) as Laurie
Tom Hanks (42%) as Simon
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM. HOME - CHRISTMAS EVE

Sitting on a recliner in a sparsely decorated living room, a middle-aged MAN is on the telephone.

MAN
Josh will be here at two o'clock tomorrow?
Okay, then. See you tomorrow, mom. Night.

After hanging up the phone, he rests his head on the back of the recliner and closes his eyes. A CRASHING noise from the unlit fireplace causes him to sit up. A clump of red, fringed with dirt, lands onto the floor.

MAN
Who's there?

Brushing herself off, a WOMAN dressed in a Santa suit glances at him.

WOMAN
I'm so sorry. I'm new at this.

MAN
Stay where you are or I'll call...

WOMAN
Please don't call Santa.

The man stares at her.

WOMAN
You see, I'm a Santa in training. And I might lose my job if...

MAN
You're a Santa in training?

WOMAN
Santa is so busy. He needs all the help he can get.
(self-consciously)
I have your present.
(looking up the chimney)
It seems it's still on your roof.

MAN
I'll get help.

WOMAN
Oh no, no, no. It's my job to deliver it myself.

MAN
What's your name?

Seeing him as an attractive man for the first time,

WOMAN
It's Laurie.

MAN
A pleasure, Laurie. Mine is Simon.

LAURIE
Hi.

SIMON
Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
Would you care for a glass of wine?

The grandfather clock STRIKES twelve midnight.

LAURIE
I can't. I'm late as it is. I have so many presents to deliver.

SIMON
C'mon, Laurie. We both know there's no such thing as Santa.

LAURIE
(aghast)
No such thing as Santa? I'm getting your present right now.
Maybe then you'll believe me.

Simon shakes his head as the front door SLAMS shut. He hears mumbled CONVERSATION outside his house.

EXT. HOUSE - CHRISTMAS DAY

LAURIE
(to neighbor)
My reindeer are gone! I need to get to the roof!

Simon's NEIGHBOR looks at her queerly.

NEIGHBOR
I'll get a ladder.

When he returns, the neighbor sets a ladder onto the side of the house allowing Laurie to climb to the roof. She searches her sack for Simon's present, then climbs down.

LAURIE
Thank you so very much for your help. Merry Christmas!

As the neighbor walks away with the ladder in bewilderment,

NEIGHBOR
Merry Christmas.

Laurie rushes back into Simon's house.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CHRISTMAS DAY

As she hands him his present,

LAURIE
Merry Christmas, Simon.

As Simon gropes for it, Laurie understands.

LAURIE
(gently)
I'll read it.
(reading its contents aloud)
Merry Christmas, Simon. Enclosed is a check for
the eye surgery. I know it will be a success. Santa.

Digesting the words, he buries his head in his hands. Laurie kneels before him.

LAURIE
If you'd like, I'll go with you.

Simon finds and clasps Laurie's hand.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Those Were the Days

And the winners are:
Tie between Jessica Lange & Goldie Hawn as Cynthia
Jamie Lee Curtis as Susan
Sam Shepard as Jake
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM. HOME - WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS

With the television on, two female FRIENDS since their days of college in the 1970's, are dining.

SUSAN
Remember the love-ins?

CYNTHIA
How can I forget? That's how I met Jake.

SUSAN
How's it been since the divorce?

CYNTHIA
I miss him, Susan.

Susan nods sympathetically. After a brief silence, a program grabs her attention.

SUSAN
Oh my God. Look what's on.

INSERT TELEVISION PROGRAM:

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
For this entire week, our special guests will be John Lennon
and Yoko Ono. Welcome back, John, Yoko.

SUSAN
Remember the episode where they tried to spread the word
of love by randomly calling people and saying I love you.

CYNTHIA
We were idealistic then.

As she excitedly turns to Cynthia,

SUSAN
Let's do it!

CYNTHIA
Do what?

SUSAN
Make calls and say I love you.

CYNTHIA
It's silly.

SUSAN
It wasn't then.

CYNTHIA
It's different now.

SUSAN
What jaded adults we've become. Well, I say, as adults,
it's up to us to keep that flame of love burning.

CYNTHIA
(shaking her head)
Where is it?

Susan searches for and finds the telephone book. As she sits,

SUSAN
I feel like burning incense and turning on a lava lamp.

While Cynthia lightheartedly rolls her eyes, Susan runs her finger down a list of names, then stops.

SUSAN
Helen Davis.

CYNTHIA
Don't frighten her.

SUSAN
Hello? Is this Helen Davis.

HELEN (O.S.)
Yes?

SUSAN
My name is Susan Turner. I'm calling to say I love you
and if you would spread the love by...
(agape)
She hung up!

CYNTHIA
You know that's all we're going to get.

Cynthia's eyes light up.

SUSAN
What?

After she dials, Cynthia hears a man's HELLO.

CYNTHIA
Jake?

JAKE (O.S.)
Cynthia?

CYNTHIA
(slowly)
I wanted to call to tell you...
(hesitates)
I love you and if you would spread...

JAKE (O.S.)
(laughing)
So, you're watching the old Michael Douglas Show
with John and Yoko too.

CYNTHIA
(smiling)
Susan and I are.

JAKE (O.S.)
Those were the days.

CYNTHIA
I'll never forget them.

JAKE (O.S.)
Nor I, Cyn.

CYNTHIA
Merry Christmas, Jake.

JAKE (O.S.)
Merry Christmas, Cyn.

When she hangs up, she begins to CRY. Susan rises to hug her. The telephone RINGS. They stare at the telephone, then exchange glances. Answering it,

CYNTHIA
Hello?

JAKE (O.S.)
I love you too, Cynthia.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

A Pocket Full of Miracles

And the winners are:
Tie between Cary Grant and Sydney Poitier as the Miracle Man
Spencer Tracy as the Old Man
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. MACY'S DEPARTMENT STORE. MANHATTAN - DAY

On a brisk December day, hurrying Holiday SHOPPERS rush in and out of Macy's. Standing near its entrance is a MAN CALLING OUT to anyone who will listen.

MAN
A pocket full of miracles! Get your miracle here!

PASSERSBY look upon him queerly as he continues to advertise his wares.

MAN
A pocket full of miracles! Get your miracle!

Adjusting his iPod, a teenage BOY stops in curiosity.

TEENAGER
How much?

MAN
It's free.

TEENAGER
(sarcastically)
Nothing's free.

And walks away. Untethered,

MAN
A pocket full of miracles! Get your miracle!

A young COUPLE stops and exchanges glances.

WOMAN
What kind of miracles?

MAN
You name it.

WOMAN
Well, we want to get married, but my boyfriend
can't afford a ring.

As her boyfriend waits skeptically, the man searches for and pulls from his pocket a brilliant engagement ring. He hands it to the woman who excitedly shows it to her boyfriend.

BOYFRIEND
How much does it cost?

MAN
Nothing.

BOYFRIEND
It's a fake. Let's go.

WOMAN
But honey.

As they walk away, she gleans the ring then turns to him appreciatively.

A hunched OLD MAN steps out of the dark and faces the miracle man.

OLD MAN
I bet you don't have anything in your pocket for me.

MM
Try me.

OLD MAN
I remember when I was twenty. I was as strong as
Hercules. Played lots of sports too.

The miracle man listens patiently.

OLD MAN
My wife was my biggest fan. We were high school
sweethearts.

Not saying a word, the man begins walking; the old man in step beside him.

OLD MAN
We were married over fifty years.
(quietly)
She died last year.

MM
I'm very sorry.

As they continue walking together,

OLD MAN
I live around the corner. Would you join me
for dinner?

MM
I'd be honored.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

The Glasses

And the winners are: Hugh Grant (36%) as Buddy; Penelope Cruz (33%) as Marianne; A tie between Paul Giamatti and Vince Vaughn (27% each) as Steve; Estelle Getty (40%) as the Mother; and John Travolta (45%) as Vinnie. Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. BROADWAY THEATER. MANHATTAN - DAY

Hurrying, two MEN leap out of a taxi and rush into a theater.

INT. THEATER - DAY

Minutes into the play, they're escorted in the darkness to their seats; second row orchestra. Excusing themselves past already seated spectators, they flop into their seats.

BUDDY
No!

STEVE
What?

BUDDY
I sat on my glasses.

STEVE
Smart. You're lucky we're close to the stage.

Buddy retrieves a sculpture of twisted frames. With help from the light from the stage, Buddy tries in vain to repair them.

Shaking his head, he shoves the disrepair back into his pocket and observes the blur of an audience. Squinting, his glance falls upon a beautiful woman sitting in the balcony. A bolt of lightening heightens his admiration for this lovely vision.

She turns towards him. Prudently, he waves to her; she returning his overtures with discreet smiles.

BUDDY
Isn't she beautiful?

Steve follows his trance.

STEVE
She's a knockout.

BUDDY
I'm going to introduce myself at intermission.

STEVE
She's with two other people. They could be her
grandmother and father...or husband.

Buddy pays no attention while riveted on his angel and her smiles.

Intermission arrives. Buddy glances up and notices his vision miming to meet her.

BUDDY
Hurry up!

They make their way through the throngs to the refreshments concession where he searches frantically. He feels a gentle tap on his shoulders, then turns to its source; a petite, ELDERLY WOMAN.

WOMAN
(sensually)
Ciao.

BUDDY
(casually)
Hello, ma'am.

Bashfully, the woman turns away, then smiles at him seductively. Buddy blinks at her, puzzled.

Humiliated, her face turns beet red as it contorts into rage. He withdraws at the unexpected transformation. Her SON steps between his mother and Buddy.

VINNIE
You pervert!

And socks him between the eyes causing Buddy to fall backwards onto the floor. The mother hits him continuously with her purse.

MOTHER
Gigolo!

Defending himself from the blows,

BUDDY
What'd I do?!

Suddenly, a young WOMAN appears admonishing Vinnie.

WOMAN
Stupido!

MOTHER
That man is a gigolo!

WOMAN
Mamma! It's an innocent misunderstanding.

MOTHER
Innocent my eye. Let's go, Vinnie.

The daughter leans over Buddy.

MOTHER
(authoritatively)
Marianne.

MARIANNE
I'll be there soon.

As Buddy sits up,

MARIANNE
Are you all right?

He stares at the lovely vision.

BUDDY
You're the woman in the balcony.

MARIANNE
I'm a nurse. Are you hurt?

BUDDY
(feeling his nose)
I don't think it's broken.
(rising)
I'll survive.

MARIANNE
Let's have a look. I don't live far from here.

BUDDY
Really? I mean, sure.

As he walks out of the theater with Marianne,

BUDDY
Today, I'm the l-l-luckiest m-m-man on the f-f-face
of the earth-th-th.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**
http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

And the winners are:
Massasoit - Jay Silverheels (44%)
Luther - Harrison Ford (44%)
Dorah - Sissy Spacek (60%)
Daughter - Kate Winslet (50%)
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM. HOME. PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTES - THANKSGIVING DAY

A FAMILY of six is gathered around the dining room table adorned with the cornucopia of Thanksgiving dinner.

The grandfather clock gently CHIMES three o'clock. As the MOTHER glances at anticipant faces,

MOTHER
He'll be here.

FATHER
He's late, Dorah.

DORAH
We won't start without him, Luther.

Furtive glances are exchanged.

LUTHER
(firmly)
He'd be the first to understand.

As Luther begins carving the turkey, Dorah SIGHS. Her DAUGHTER clasps her hand reassuringly.

DAUGHTER
He's been here every Thanksgiving, dad.

The door bell RINGS. Luther stops carving.

GRANDSON
He's here!

He and his sister run out of the dining room and return holding the hands of Native American, MASSASOIT.

All surround him excitedly and guide him to his place at the table.

GRANDDAUGHTER
We saved your chair, Great Sachem.

Massasoit nods, smiling. As he sits, he retrieves the ceremonial pipe, then lights it. He inhales and passes it to Luther who inhales then passes to it to Dorah who lightly inhales and returns it to Massasoit.

After snuffing the pipe, Massasoit sets it adjacent to his place setting. Ritualistically, each extends and holds the other's hand, heads bowed.

DORAH
We give thanks today for Your bounty of food and love.

ALL
(in unison)
Amen.

MASSASOIT
Aho.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

A Rerun of EVE'S GOT MAIL - Through to 11/22 (My Apology: Still playing catch-up!)

FADE IN:

INT. DEN. HOME IN GARDEN OF EDEN - NIGHT

ADAM is reading the newspaper on the sofa while EVE types furiously away at the computer on the desk nearby.

ADAM
Are you still blogging?

EVE
I just have a few more comments to reply.

ADAM
I'm tired, Eve.

EVE
Why don't you go on ahead, my love.
I'll be there in a few minutes.

Adam neatly folds the newspaper and sets it on the end table. Rising,

ADAM
How about some warm milk?

EVE
That would be lovely.

Eve watches Adam disappear into the kitchen, then returns to the computer.

INSERT EXCHANGES BETWEEN EVE AND ABRA ON THE COMPUTER.

EVE
Abra, our relationship is in the Dead Sea!
It's been the same routine for hundreds of years.

ABRA
But, Eve, you're the most revered couple in history.
People worship you.

EVE
(flustered)
I don't want to be revered or worshipped. I just want
Adam to look at me the way he did the day God created us.
Is that too much to ask?

ABRA
All right, let me think.
Have you tried pasties?

EVE
Abra, I invented pasties. Fig leaves. Remember?

ABRA
True. I've got it. A love potion!

EVE
You've got to do better than that...

Eve stops, frozen, as Adam sets the glass of warm milk beside the computer. She manages to press the Escape key without him noticing, then turns to him.

EVE
Thank you, dear.

ADAM
So, all done?

EVE
Wha...? Oh, yes. Yes.

She picks up the glass of milk and sips. A message pops up on the computer screen.

ADAM
Are you feeling all right, Eve?

EVE
Yes, of course.
(laughs nervously)
Why wouldn't I?

ADAM
Because Abra just sent you a message to take Jasmine,
Neroli, Lavender, Myrtle, and Ylang Ylang. Then Tangerine,
Bergamot, and Blood Orange with Zdravetz, Sandalwood,
Nutmeg and Ginger wrapped in Vanilla, Cinnamon and
Cardamon.

Disbelievingly, Eve watches Adam's expression transform. He grins boyishly.

ADAM
Eve, my darling, my love...

Eve turns the computer off then turns to Adam, beaming. She leads him by the hand up the stairs. Under her breath,

EVE
(sighs)
God bless its pentium chip heart.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Socko

And the winners are:
Barbara - Judi Dench (36%)
Barbara's Conscience - Whoopi Goldberg (50%)
Ball of Socks Voiceover - Anthony Perkins (41%)
Policeman - Tommy Lee Jones (66%)

FADE IN:

INT. DEN. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT

Lying on the sofa, a WOMAN reads a psychological thriller, her cat sleeping at her feet. She puts the book down, eyeing the room suspiciously. The furniture seems to have moved closer towards her. She shudders.

The chimes of the grandfather clock causes her to jump. As she collects herself,

BARBARA
Ten o'clock.

Hand in chin, she absentmindedly talks to the cat.

BARBARA
One piece of chocolate won't hurt my diet.

BARBARA'S CONSCIENCE
Where's your willpower?

BARBARA
Leave me alone! It's only one piece of chocolate!

She gets up and walks into the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

She searches every nook and cranny to no avail.

BARBARA
Where are they?

Her eyes widen. She rushes downstairs to the washroom in the basement.

INT. WASHROOM - NIGHT

She flicks the switch. No light.

BARBARA
Why did you have to pick tonight to go out, Jack?

In the dark, she gropes for the flashlight sitting on the shelf with the laundry supplies. With flashlight on, she reaches behind the washer/dryer and pulls out a gold-covered box. Smiling, she hurriedly opens the box and pops a chocolate into her mouth, then another.

BARBARA'S CONSCIENCE
You have no will power.

BARBARA
Shut up!

She suddenly hears a CRASH in the garage.

BARBARA
(calls out)
Jack?

Holding the flashlight close to her, she picks up a crowbar resting at the side of the entrance to the garage. She cautiously opens the garage door. Taking up the entire garage, a giant ball of socks stalks her. She quickly slams the door but her strength is no match for a giant ball of socks.

SOCKS VOICEOVER
We want our mates. We've searched a long, long time.

No longer able to resist its force, it chases her up the stairs to the den.

INT. DEN - NIGHT

She bumps into the sofa, nearly knocking the lamp over. The ball stops dead in its tracks; studying her, breathing heavily. Cautiously, Barbara steps towards the telephone and dials 911.

911
What's the emergency?

BARBARA
A ball of socks is...
I'm at 1099 Elm Street. Please hurry!

It inches closer to her.

CUT TO:

When the POLICE arrive, two force the front door open. As they rush into the den, they note the disturbance. They hear a VOICE upstairs. They climb up the stairs towards Barbara's VOICE in one of the bedrooms.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

The two policemen kick the door in, their guns drawn. Barbara is sitting on the floor pairing socks.

BARBARA
Hello gentlemen. These socks finally found one another.
(addresses socks)
How long has it been?

The policemen glance at one another, perplexed.

BARBARA
Would you care for a chocolate? You see, I have no
willpower.

POLICEMAN
Ma'am. Why don't you come with us?

BARBARA
I didn't mean to! I promise I won't do it again! Jack!

POLICEMAN
Please, ma'am. If you don't make a fuss, I won't handcuff you.

Barbara concedes. Her eyes fall on the golden box.

BARBARA
Do you mind if I take the box of chocolates?

POLICEMAN
Of course not, ma'am.

While sitting in the back seat of the police car,

BARBARA'S CONSCIENCE
I'll show them I have willpower. I won't eat one chocolate.

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

Going Commercial

And the winners are:
Bill - Ashtun Kutcher (33%)
Victoria - Cameron Diaz (53%)
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM. WISCONSIN HOME - DAY

Wearing a Green Bay Packers' jersey and a pair of jeans while watching television, a Packers' FAN anticipates the football game, swigging a bottle of Milwaukee's Best Light Beer.

BILL
Victoria! The game's about to start!

Just as his WIFE enters the living room, a commercial flashes on the television.

INSERT COMMERCIAL IN QUOTES: "Rembrandt, for a smile you can count on."

Without hesitation, Victoria rushes into the bathroom and brushes her teeth. Bill smiles.

"If it isn't Orville Redenbacher, it isn't popcorn."

She dashes into the kitchen in search of the popcorn maker, fills it to the brim with kernels, then plugs it in.

"Escape the smell of odor with Hefty's scented garbage bags."

At commercial speed, she discards the half-empty kitchen trash and replaces it with a fresh Hefty bag. Bill shakes his head.

The popcorn begins to pop.

"Bounty, the quicker, picker upper."

On cue, Victoria yanks a sheet of Bounty and cleans the kitchen sink.

"Kenmore, life running beautifully."

Just in time, she pulls out the vacuum cleaner as the popcorn maker's lid explodes off; popping corn pinging throughout the kitchen, covering the floor. But she abandons the kitchen to vacuum around Bill's feet. He looks up at her with a forced smile.

"Victoria's Secret Lingerie's sale starts tomorrow."

Bill runs his hand through his hair, as she disappears. He then swigs his beer, and relaxes. Minutes later, Victoria reappears wearing a black negligee. Seating her on his lap,

BILL
(grinning)
Honey, it's not going to work this time.

VICTORIA
No?

Bill shakes his head gently; Victoria sighing.

"Men should act like men, and light beer should taste like beer. Milwaukee's Best Light Beer."

Bill blinks at the bottle of Milwaukee Best Light Beer in his hand. Grabbing Victoria,

BILL
Here's Johnny!

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

House on Haunted Hill?

And the winners are:
Frederick Loren - Vincent Price (50%)
Annabelle Loren - Gwyneth Paltrow (46%)
Butler - John Goodman (53%)
Morticia Addams - Carolyn Jones (46%)
Gomez Addams - John Astin (53%)
Frankenstein - Jack Nicholson (46%)
Count Dracula - Bella Lugosi (66%)
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

FREDERICK LOREN, and his wife, ANNABELLE, have invited several GUESTS to spend the night in their old mansion situated atop a hill.

EXT. OLD MANSION - NIGHT

Each guest arrives at the desolate mansion in a limousine provided by Mr. Loren and are attended to by his BUTLER.

INT. FOYER. MANSION - NIGHT

BUTLER
Good evening, Sir. Mr. Loren will be with you shortly.

FRANKENSTEIN passes him, GRUNTING.

BUTLER
Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Addams.

INT. SITTING ROOM. MANSION - NIGHT

MORTICIA and GOMEZ ADDAMS join Frankenstein who bends over to kiss Morticia's extended hand, then shakes Gomez's hand and offers a cigar.

GOMEZ
What's the old boy up to?

Frankenstein GRUNTS, shaking his head as he lights Gomez's cigar.

MORTICIA
It's all very mysterious, cherie.

As Gomez is about to smother her arm in kisses, the doorbell HOLLERS, distracting him. The threesome's glances follow the butler as he opens the door.

BUTLER
Good evening, Count.

As Gomez steps towards Dracula,

GOMEZ
You're looking well, Count.

DRACULA
Thank you. Where is your beautiful wife?

Gracefully walking towards him,

MORTICIA
Dear Count.

As she extends her hand, Dracula eyes her neck. All are once again distracted by the doorbell.

BUTLER
Good evening, Madam.

ELVIRA embraces Morticia as each air kiss one another.

ELVIRA
Whatever Frederick is up to, it's fabulous to see you all.

DRACULA
You're looking more lovely than ever, my dear.

Dracula salivates as he glances between Elvira's and Morticia's necks.

Looking dashing and stunning, Frederick and Annabelle suddenly appear.

FREDERICK
How gracious of you for coming tonight.

GOMEZ
Don't give it a thought, my friend. But what is the occasion?
You're famous for your tricks, old chap.

FREDERICK
I'm happy to announce Annabelle's birthday.

The group offer her hugs, kisses, and best wishes. As they do, Frederick steps towards the light switch unnoticed, and shuts off the lights.

In the darkness, a SCREAM and a THUMP are heard. Frederick switches the lights on. Dracula's fangs drip with blood.

FREDERICK
What have you done, Count?

He rushes to Annabelle squirming on the floor, her hand covered with blood trying to soothe the bite on her neck.

DRACULA
What you told me to do. To bite Annabelle.

Everyone turns to Frederick questioningly. As he assists Annabelle to her feet and tends to her wound,

FREDERICK
No, no, no, dear Count. I told you to sing to Annabelle.

DRACULA
I do not sing. I bite.

ANNABELLE
(crying)
I am a lady of darkness now.

ELVIRA
I beg your pardon, Annabelle, but I am the lady of darkness.

MORTICIA
Mon ami, you are mistaken for it is I, the lady of darkness.

Once again, the lights go out. A spotlight flashes on Frederick.

FREDERICK
For you, my darling. Happy birthday.

Frankenstein appears on a makeshift stage in a yellow, sequined jacket and black sequined pants holding a cane. As he clumsily dances, he belts out "Puttin on the Ritz." Annabelle thoroughly enjoys his performance, blowing him a kiss.

He nearly stumbles offstage as Morticia and Elvira, dressed as Flappers, sing "All That Jazz," dancing on and around their chair props. Annabelle CLAPS enthusiastically.

Gomez then appears and recites quite eloquently, Edgar Allan Poe's poem, "Annabel Lee."

Last, Dracula appears adorned in a red and black cape.

DRACULA
For this act, I will need your assistance, dearest Annabelle.

Annabelle joins him exuberantly.

DRACULA
With one swoop of my cape, I will make Annabelle disappear.
On the count of three...one, two, three.

Dracula covers Annabelle with his cape and to everyone's delight, Annabelle disappears.

FREDERICK
Bravo, Count!

MORTICIA
But where did she go?

As everyone surrounds Dracula in curious search of Annabelle, he disappears in a ball of smoke. The stunned group blinks at the stain on the floor and exchange concerned glances.

FREDERICK
He has abducted her!

As he rushes to the door,

FREDERICK
I will search high and low. Use all of my resources.
Do anything to find her. If it takes forever!

INT. DINING QUARTERS. SHIP TO TRANSYLVANIA - NIGHT

DRACULA
Are you comfortable, dearest Annabelle?

ANNABELLE
Yes, I am, Count. But where are we going?

DRACULA
Home.

ANNABELLE
(sighs)
There's no place like home.

DIRECTOR
Cut! This is not the Wizard of Oz!

To the director,

ANNABELLE
And this is House on Haunted Hill?

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**

http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/

The Good, The Bad, and the Phantom

And the winners are:
Blondie - Clint Eastwood (38%)
Tuco - Dennis Hopper (38%)
Skeleton Voiceover - Jack Nicholson (41%)
Thank you for voting!

FADE IN:

EXT. SAD HILL CEMETARY. LATE 1860's - NIGHT

BLONDIE, a subdued bounty hunter, and his partner, TUCO, have been riding for hours in search of gold purportedly buried at Sad Hill Cemetary.

Visibility is blinding in the storm-ridden night; clouds weighing heavily under the stars and over their heads.

BLONDIE
Why don't we set up camp. Here's as good a place as any.

They dismount and gather their sleeping gear from the rear of their horses. Tuco spreads their blankets while Blondie builds the fire. As it grows, it illuminates an encircled cemetary just a few hundred feet away. Tuco's eyes widen at the sight. He grows uncomfortable.

TUCO
Did you hear that?

BLONDIE
Hear what?

TUCO
Listen.

Blondie stops stirring the pan of beans. Nothing.

BLONDIE
(irritated)
Get the bread.

Tuco reaches for his pack, then hears a MOAN.

TUCO
You didn't hear that?

BLONDIE
You're gettin' on my nerves. Go on, eat.

Bolts of lightening flash across the sky causing Tuco more uneasiness as he reaches for his gun.

BLONDIE
If you don't stop, I'll slug you one.

Tuco glares at Blondie, then stands, squinting into the fog. He takes a few steps; disappears. Blondie quickly rises, drawing his gun.

BLONDIE
I said, cut it out.
(silence)
I ain't kiddin'.

It begins to pour.

PHANTOM
He's not coming back.

Blondie turns in every direction, his gun triggered.

BLONDIE
Who's there?

PHANTOM
Your reward.

BLONDIE
Reward?

PHANTOM
I'll give you three clues.

Blondie steps cautiously to his horse as the Phantom's voice grows louder, nearer.

PHANTOM
One. My first name is Arch.
Two. My last name is Stanton.
Three...

Solving the riddle in a flash,

BLONDIE
Where's the gold?

Face-to-face with the skeleton of Arch Stanton,

SKELETON
(laughing)
There is no gold.

At the sight of the skeleton, Blondie retreats.

BLONDIE
What do you want?

SKELETON
(seriously)
A part.

BLONDIE
A part?

SKELETON
(grimaces)
I always wanted to be an actor.

As it throws its arm around Blondie's shoulder,

SKELETON
You think Clint's got anything for me?

FADE TO BLACK

**written by petra michelle**
http://petramichelle.blogspot.com/